Quotes

"Seymour, the house is on fire!" "No mother, it's just the Northern Lights." Agnes and Seymour Skinner

"I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again." The Simpsons

"Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit. Why doesn't mine look like that?" Homer Simpson

"Le Grille? What the hell is that?" Homer Simpson

"Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big, chewy pretzels here... five dollars? Get outta here!" Homer Simpson

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? You stupid money!" Montgomery Burns

"You want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it." Kirk Van Houten

"My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's coming up Milhouse!" Milhouse Van Houten

"I don't want to alarm you but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!" Homer Simpson

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son.'" Lionel Hutz

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming." Homer Simpson

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!" Ralph Wiggum

"Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.'" Homer Simpson

"Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff." Moe Szyslak

"I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and weird. It'll happen to you." Abe Simpson

"Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!" Groundskeeper Willie

"They call them fingers but I've never seen them fing... Oh, there they go." Otto Mann

"OK, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?" "I don't know..." Postal worker and Homer Simpson

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel." Homer Simpson

"Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No." Leonard Nimoy

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" Homer Simpson

"I don't hate your mother, Marge. I just wouldn't be sad if she died." Homer Simpson

"This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end." Ralph Wiggum

"I sleep in a racing car, do you?" "I sleep in a big bed with my wife." Kirk Van Houten and Homer Simpson

"I am the lizard queen!" Lisa Simpson

"Hello Mr. Thompson." "I think he's talking to you." FBI Man and Homer Simpson

"I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush." "There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it." Homer Simpson

"Alright, Brain. I don't like you and you don't like me. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer." Homer Simpson

"I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown." Homer Simpson

"Don’t call me Mr. Scorpion. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!" Hank Scorpio

"Unshrink you? Well that would require some sort of a Rebigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle." Professor Frink

"Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall." Homer Simpson

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid.'" Troy McClure

"There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third. There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There. That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third." Hank Scorpio

"Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it." Lenny Leonard

"Remember Alf? He's back...in pog form!" Milhouse Van Houten

"I wash myself with a rag on a stick." Bart Simpson

"Another day, another box of stolen pens." Homer Simpson

"Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all!" Ned Flanders

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." Homer Simpson

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" Rainier Wolfcastle

"I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower." Marge Simpson

"Well, if by 'wank' you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time!" Seymour Skinner

"Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark." Nelson Muntz

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." Clancy Wiggum

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." Homer Simpson

"What was I laughing at again? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!" Montgomery Burns

"Talking out of turn... that's a paddling. Looking out the window... that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals... that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe... ooh, you better believe that's a paddling." Jasper Beardly

"Just eat the damn oranges!" Abe Simpson

"My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... malk?" Bart Simpson

"You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice." Marge Simpson

"By the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him, though. Him and that little boy of his." Seymour Skinner

"Bake him away, toys." Clancy Wiggum

"There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!" Bart Simpson

"Yes." Montgomery Burns

"Save me, Jebus!" Homer Simpson

"My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star." Abe Simpson

"To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. I'm a big, four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and- the Springfield River!" Homer Simpson

"The shinning? Oh, you mean the shining!" "Shh, do you want to get sued?" Bart Simpson and Groundskeeper Willie

"Save me from the wee turtles! They were too big for me!" Groundskeeper Willie

"Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land where nothing can possib-lie go wrong." The Simpsons

"Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos." Homer Simpson

"Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail." Homer Simpson

"I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords." Kent Brockman

"Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel." Bart Simpson

"It's a boy! And what a boy!" "Ah, that's the umbilical cord." Homer Simpson and doctor

"Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and/or roll!" Reverend Lovejoy

"Is this how you pictured married life?" "Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries." Marge and Homer Simpson

"Does my withered face remind you of the grim spectre of death?" Abe Simpson

"A caller at this hour? You dial 9-1, and when I say so, dial 1 again." Grandma Van Houten

"Umm, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things?" Homer Simpson

"This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself!" Homer Simpson

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?" Joe Quimby

"I'd like to ask you a few questions. One, where's the fife? And two, give me the fife." Homer Simpson

"My son’s name is also named Bort." The Simpsons

"Lisa, I’d like to buy your rock." Homer Simpson

"If I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead." Homer Simpson

"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T. I mean S-M-A-R-T." Homer Simpson

"Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!" Ralph Wiggum

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. Forfty percent of people know that." Homer Simpson

"A philanthropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns' grave." Kent Brockman

"Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance." Conan O'Brien

"People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!" Joe Quimby

"I don't get mad, I get stabby." Fat Tony

"I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs. Somebody ate part of my lunch!" Hank Scorpio

"Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?" Bart Simpson

"Oops, lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you." Montgomery Burns

"Do you find something funny about the word 'tromboner'?" Dewey Largo

"Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline - $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, Montessori..." The Simpsons

"I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron!" Homer Simpson

"How can I prove we're live? Penis!" Kent Brockman

"Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why'd I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?" Milhouse Van Houten

"Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!" Abe Simpson

"Hehe, mule!" Homer Simpson

"You tried to kill me! I want a separation." Selma Bouvier

"Outta sight! In the pocket! Groovay, groovay!" The Simpsons

"A woman is a lot like, umm... a refrigerator! They're about 6 feet tall, three-hundred pounds, they make ice..." Homer Simpson

"Actually a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!" Homer Simpson

"If you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence." "With cans of grease?" "No, through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!" Homer and Marge Simpson

"Most movie scripts are one-hundred pages. This has only seventeen. And several pages just have drawings of the time machine." Alec Baldwin

"Viagra, five dollars a pill? Whatever it is, it's going in Skinner's coffee!" Bart Simpson

"What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of 'No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something.'" "Go Crazy?" "Don't mind if I do!" Homer and Marge Simpson

"Can't murder now. Eating." Homer Simpson

"'Do not touch Willie.' Good advice." Homer Simpson

"That's it! Back to Winnepeg!" The Simpsons

"If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm gonna turn this car around and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody!" The Simpsons

"I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening." Homer Simpson

"That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." Homer Simpson

"I'm whizzing with the door open and I love it!" Homer Simpson

"Nerrrrrrrd!" Homer Simpson

"Woohoo! Look at that blubber fly!" Homer Simpson

"Murphy, you are an elf... uncontrollably... I think..." Homer Simpson

"Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it, but we pressed it anyway!" Homer Simpson

"English, who needs that? I'm never going to England." Homer Simpson

"Trust me, Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them." Milhouse Van Houten

"I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral." Hank Scorpio

"Sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying!" Professor Frink

"Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?" "Yes, once." Hank Scorpio and Homer Simpson

"Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?" Krusty the Clown

"Sugar? Sure. There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?" "Umm... no." Hank Scorpio and Homer Simpson

"I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it." Lisa Simpson

"Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix." Comic Book Guy

"When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off." Homer Simpson

"Oh boy. Looks like it's suicide again for me." Moe Szyslak

"I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly." Moe Szyslak

"I was saying 'Boo-urns.'" Hans Moleman

"Oh wow, windows. I don't think I can afford this place." Otto Mann

"If a cow ever got a chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about." Troy McClure

"I was a grade A moron to ever question eating meat." The Simpsons

"Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong." Seymour Skinner

"Oh, Selma, dear, you and your little camera. What do you say we shut it off for a while?" "And make love?" "I suppose so." Sideshow Bob and Selma Bouvier

"Ah, fire. Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, eradicator of dead wood." Sideshow Bob

"I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as 'an agreement under the law which is unbreakable.' Which is unbreakable!" Lionel Hutz

"So you like donuts, ey? Well have all the donuts in the world!" The Simpsons

"Who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib?" Montgomery Burns

"I'm sorry Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one." "Argh, this chair be high, says I!" Marge Simpson and Blackbeard

"Howard, you've done it again!" The Simpsons

"Oh, fudge, that's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to kick this dog house down!" Homer Simpson

"Alright here's the 4-1-1 folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your flygirl. You just give him one of these!" Moe Szyslak

"Nobody snuggles with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs!" Homer Simpson

"We need code names; I'll be cue ball, Skinner can be 8 ball, Barney will be 12 ball and Moe, you can be cue ball." Homer Simpson

"I think we hit something." "I hope it's Flanders." Ned Flanders and Homer Simpson

"My boy's a box! Damn you, a box!" Homer Simpson

"The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty.'. that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!" Homer Simpson

"Kid's can be so cruel." "We can? Thanks, Mum!" Marge and Bart Simpson

"We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy." Milhouse Van Houten

"There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality." Patty Bouvier

"Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" Bart Simpson

"Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses." The Simpsons

"Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!" Üter Zörker

"And this is my snack holder where I can put my beverage or, if you will, cupcake." Homer Simpson

"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stopped to get that haircut." Sebastian Cobb

"You might say there’s a little Üter in all of us." Seymour Skinner

"Put it in H!" The Simpsons

"Those Germans aren't so bad." "Sure, they've made mistakes, but that’s why pencils have erasers!" Carl Carlson and Lenny Leonard

"Dig up, stupid." Clancy Wiggum

"There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome." Marge Simpson

"Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it." Seymour Skinner

"There’s an adorable little boy here to see you, sir." "Release the hounds." Waylon Smithers and Montgomery Burns

"In the area under 'Do not write in this space', he wrote 'Okay.'" Kent Brockman

"When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you." Milhouse Van Houten

"Oh, boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!" Ralph Wiggum

"I think women and seamen don't mix." Waylon Smithers

"In theory, Communism works. In theory." Homer Simpson

"Oh man, you kissed a girl." "That is so gay!" Dolph Starbeam and Jimbo Jones

"Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover." Homer Simpson

"If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator." Homer Simpson

"You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug." Bart Simpson

"I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley." Frank Grimes

"Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." Homer Simpson

"All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort." Homer Simpson

"Dental plan!" "Lisa needs braces." Lenny Leonard and Marge Simpson

"I bent my Wookiee." Ralph Wiggum

"First you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then you get the women." Homer Simpson

"Trying is the first step to failure." Homer Simpson

"Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!" Cletus Spuckler

"A 'garage?' Well ooh la-di-da Mr. French Man." "Well what do you call it?" "A car-hole." Moe Szyslak and Homer Simpson

"I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a 'walking bird'. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving." Abe Simpson

"Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner, Principal Seymour Skinner!" Gary Chalmers

"Ah, beer. My one weakness. My achilles' heel, if you will." Homer Simpson

"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?" Montgomery Burns

"I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun." Homer Simpson

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos." Homer Simpson

"Because no one... anywhere... ever would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin." Gary Chalmers

"Everything is about Jesus, Homer." Reverend Lovejoy

"Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house." Reverend Lovejoy

"Look at me, I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane! Oh, by the way I was being sarcastic." Homer Simpson

"When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!" Homer Simpson

"To alcohol! The cause of - and the solution to - all life's problems!" Homer Simpson

"Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localised entirely within your kitchen?" Gary Chalmers

"I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!" Homer Simpson

"I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." Montgomery Burns

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." Homer Simpson

"I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!" Lionel Hutz

"There’s an angry mob here to see you, sir." The Simpsons

"It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography." Homer Simpson

"Come, family. Let us all bathe in TV’s warm glowing, glowy glow." Homer Simpson

"Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from a place far away!" Montgomery Burns

"If you don't learn Roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted." Edna Krabappel

"I can't even say the word 'titmouse' without giggling like a schoolgirl." Homer Simpson

"Default? Woohoo! The two sweetest words in the English language! De fault! De fault! De fault!" Homer Simpson